There is no time
here, in this inferno
of polar incandescence
that, yesterday, I thought
was El Dorado, Cibola. Digging
through earth, under Master’s
watchful eye. Relentless,
persistent, proud of my
misery, I would often announce
“I have found Ultimate Despair.”
Master, always, in turn, “Penultimate
despair.” Barely breaking stride,
I’d continue the tunnel down
through sediments of Precambrian
ennui, Mesozoic malaise, Devonian
arrogance and fear. I passed
unrequited love and self-
loathing until I hit on something;
a frozen conflagration, purified
chaos of hollow winter, unlike
any rock I’d ever seen: Perdition’s
blood diamond. I was an idiot kid,
what did I know about the duration
of forever? I set down my shovel
and bellowed, “I have found
Ultimate Despair.” And for that
one moment, I was satisfied. But,
in turn, my master, he agreed.
“Ultimate Despair.” Then I was
awake. Wisdom follows
on the heels of impetuousness.
I cannot see stars from this depth.
Help me, I am in hell.
(1998)
